A Guide to Non-Violent Communication
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling unheard, frustrated, or misunderstood? Perhaps a simple request shifted into a tense conversation, or maybe a workplace discussion escalated to conflict without knowing why.
The truth is, communication is at the heart of every aspect of our work life, and our dialogues with coworkers matter just as much as our roles. However, sometimes the way we express ourselves can unintentionally create barriers rather than build connections.
Non-violent communication (NVC) is a method of empathetic conversation that focuses on understanding and meeting the needs of both the speaker and the listener. Whether you’re leading a team, resolving critical conflicts, or simply aiming for more effective workplace communication, NVC provides a practical framework for expressing your needs while expressing others.
In this article, we explore the following:
Brief History of Non-violent Communication
The concept of NVC was developed by Marshall Rosenberg. Growing up in Detroit, Rosenberg witnessed violence frequently, and became curious about its causes and how violence could be reduced. He created the Center of Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) in 1984, using his work during the 1960s Civil Rights Movement, and developed training methodologies for NVC while mediating riots between students and colleges over segregation.
Following the Center’s creation, Rosenberg provided training for NVC to over 60 countries for managers, educations, careworkers, military officers, prisoners, police, government bodies, and individuals. Reconciliation, peaceful resolution, and compassion towards our differences are key pillars in this work.
What is Non-Violent Communication Specifically?
NVC describes a communication framework that aims to create a safe space for all parties involved, where people can express themselves freely and with empathy. It is based on the notion that all humans have the capacity for compassion, and that it can be taught and improved upon with the right guidance.
Additionally, this framework explains that individuals generally only resort to violence or harmful behaviours when they do not have more effective methods to fulfil and express their needs. Therefore, the goal of NVC is to offer a passive path to resolution via non-violent language and behaviors, ideally leading to peaceful resolutions.
Other aspects of NVC include:
Addressing Underlying Needs
NVC educates us that beneath the surface of any conflict lies unmet needs. This could be for anything and everything, from respect to security, both emotionally and physically.
It encourages individuals to dig deep and explore their feelings in order to effectively communicate them.
Within DEI practices, NVC is a practice that helps work towards inclusive workspaces, emphasizing the importance of valuing and hearing everyone.
Avoiding Blame and Criticism
Without proper training or empathetic listening skills, our traditional responses to conflict tend to rely on locating someone to blame and critiquing them.
When we begin to blame and critique without proper technique (i.e. focusing on problem-solving and solutions rather than personal attacks) people may become defensive and, in all likelihood, the actual problem will not be solved, and meets remain unmet.
Practicing Active Listening and Reflection
NVC emphasizes listening and understanding rather than just responding. This means your full attention to a speaker without judgement, and getting clarity when needed.
This helps prevent misunderstandings while fostering connection, especially in areas where there is often disconnect.
Taking Responsibility for Your Emotions
NVC teaches us that, rather than believing our emotions come from the actions, activities, and beliefs of others, our emotional reactions come from our unmet needs.
By shifting our thought process, we take responsibility for our reactions and emotions, and it naturally becomes easier for us to engage in problem-solving.
The Four Components of Non-Violent Communication
1. Observations
By observing rather than focusing on judging or evaluating, we create a safe space for the speaker to share their experiences without fear of criticism or judgment.
For example…
🚫 You might say: “You’re always late for work! Something has to change.”
👌 Instead, try: “I noticed that you’ve been 30 minutes late the past few days. Is there anything we can do to help fix that?”
Here, rather than focusing on blame we shift the responsibility to solving the problem (an employee’s lateness) together, without critiquing. It also indicates that we are coming from a place of understanding, which helps prevent defensive reactions and helps us work towards solving the problem.
2. Feelings
Through acknowledgement of our feelings, we can communicate more authentically and connect with others on a deeper level.
For example…
🚫 You might say: “You’re always late and it’s so frustrating for everyone.”
👌 Instead, try: “When someone is late, I tend to get anxious and stressed that we may not be able to complete our tasks on time.”
With this example, we are focusing on our feelings rather than assuming the feelings of others. By centering ourselves in this respect, we are able to more accurately and effectively communicate.
3. Needs
When we are able to clearly identify and clarify our needs, we can verbalize them to others to create mutually beneficial solutions.
For example…
🚫 You might say: “You’re late and it’s causing problems for everyone. It’s disrespectful.”
👌 Instead, try: “I noticed you’ve been late quite a bit lately. Can we outline some clear expectations and shift our timelines so they are more realistic and so you can work more comfortably and effectively?”
By outlining our needs and expectations, we can make more reasonable and actionable solutions for fixing problems. Remember, the goal of communicating needs with our coworkers is to give space for them to offer potential solutions as well, and come up with a game plan together.
4. Requests
Asking for what we want and need means inviting the other party to take action to help meet our expectations.
For example…
🚫 You might say: “Next time you can’t be late, it messes up my timelines.”
👌 Instead, try: “Can you let me know in advance when you’re running late next time, so I can plan ahead accordingly?”
By asking for what we need, we create a scenario where we are kindly asking for change with the other person’s assistance. This way, instead of focusing on blame or expressing frustration directly, we are leveraging our emotions to find a solution that will ultimately assist both parties.
Using all four components of NVC, we can create a safe space for ourselves and others.
Observation helps us communicate what we see and hear without judgment.
Feelings help us connect with others emotionally and build understanding.
Needs to help us identify what we value and what we need to feel satisfied.
Requests help us communicate what we need from others in a clear and non-threatening way.
Integrating DEI and Non-Violent Communication
In 2024, the CNVC created a “DEI Vertical” to govern and support DEI initiatives across the organization. They are working to:
Write organization-wide DEI goals and integrate advice, feedback, consulting, and collaboration on policies and activities.
Engage the community to build a sense of belonging and connection.
Create programming with an intersectional, DEI-focused approach to ensure awareness for all staff and key stakeholders throughout the Center.
We can see how their work blends the concepts of diversity, equity, and inclusion with Non-Violent Communication’s pillars in the following additional areas:
Communicating Observations Without Judgement ➡️ Recognizing Bias and Systemic Barriers
DEI work emphasizes the importance of acknowledging inequities without placing blame, just as NVC teaches us to observe without judgment. This could mean reframing our words, like shifting the statement “Leadership doesn’t care about diversity or our feelings” to something more productive, like, “We’ve noticed that our diversity goals have not been prioritized lately. Is there anything we can do?”
Naming Our Feelings➡️ Encouraging Psychological Safety in the Workplace
Employees from marginalized backgrounds might hesitate to express their concerns out of fear of retaliatory actions. NVC encourages leaders to create safe spaces for communication where individuals can express their feelings of exclusion, frustration, or invisibility in a way that ignites dialogue, not defensiveness.
Identifying our Needs ➡️ Addresses Gaps in Equity and Safety
DEI initiatives aim to ensure all employees' have access to resources and support, regardless of their position, background, or experience. In integrating NVC, organizations can shift from vague commitments (i.e. “We value diversity”) to more specific, needs- and goal-based statements such as “We aim to integrate DEI training programming to support the careers of underrepresented employees”.
Making Requests ➡️ Drives Meaningful DEI Actions
When DEI efforts fall short, it is often due to discussions that don’t lead to concrete action. NVC emphasizes creating clear, actionable requests that expand from day-to-day conversations to ensuring we move beyond performative statements and into real change.
For example, instead of stating something like leaders should be more inclusive, we could say, Can leadership commit to quarterly DEI check-in with employees and leaders to measure progress?
The Benefits of Non-Violent Communication at Work
Improved relationships with others: Non-violent communication can help us connect with others on a deeper level, leading to more meaningful and satisfying relationships.
Reduced conflict and tension: By creating a safe space for communication through a more empathic interaction, we can reduce conflicts and tensions that arise in conversations and relationships.
Increased self-awareness and emotional intelligence: NVC can help us develop greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence by encouraging us to be more mindful of our feelings, needs, and communication style.
More effective communication in professional settings: Non-violent communication strategies can help us interact more effectively in both personal and professional settings, leading to greater success and satisfaction in our meetings.
Applying Non-violent Conversation Consistently
Applying non-violent communication in our daily lives can be challenging but rewarding. Here are some tips for practicing NVC in everyday conversations:
Be mindful of your language by using words that are non-judgmental, clear, and specific. Avoid using words that trigger negative emotions or criticism.
Practice active listening by not interrupting when someone is speaking, coming into conversations with an open mind, and understanding their perspective.
Identify and be aware of your feelings and needs so you can communicate from a place of honesty and respect.
Practice empathy by putting yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand their perspective. Use phrases like "I hear you" or "I understand how you feel."
Ultimately, working consistently to communicate with empathy and understanding is the key for building trust, fostering collaboration, and achieving shared goals between leaders and employees.
The Importance Continuing to Practice Empathetic Language
Changing communication habits is, without a doubt, challenging, but the importance of using NVC throughout your workplace cannot be overstated. Of course, it is essential to remember that non-violent communication is not a one-time solution to all communication problems. Rather, it is a lifelong practice of empathetic and respectful communication. It is a journey that requires dedication, commitment, and perseverance. Of course, old habits might resurface, especially in moments of stress or conflict. But progress isn’t about perfection; rather, it’s about persistence.
By choosing to communicate with intention and compassion, we lay the foundation for stronger workplace relationships. Be kind to yourself and others, and keep in mind that meaningful change takes time and effort, and is often an uncomfortable experience.
Let’s commit to practicing non-violent communication every day and keep experiencing the transformative power of empathy in action.
